Shame in the Psalms
All day long my disgrace is before me, and shame has covered my face at the sound of the taunter and reviler, at the sight of the enemy and the avenger.
Psalms 44:15-16
While some of the psalms exult in joy and praise, many others describe the more challenging aspects of the human experience—including shame. Shame is an intense emotion that can affect how we perceive ourselves and our place in the world. It’s not coincidental that the words shame and face appear together in these psalms. The trademark of shame is that it creates a barrier between us and others. Psalm 31:21 describes a “besieged city” where we cut ourselves off from others.
Blessed be the Lord, for he has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me when I was in a besieged city.
Psalm 31:21
Suddenly, it takes great effort just to lift our faces to meet someone’s eye through the walls that keep us set apart.
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Shame is the fear of losing meaningful relationships because of revealing too much of ourselves. When faced with the choice to share these parts of ourselves with someone else, we often choose to retreat into the safety of ourselves—our besieged cities—rather than take a risk and risk ruining a relationship.
We fall victim to beliefs such as, “if only they knew the real me,” or “I could never tell anyone I did…,” or “I could never be forgiven for…” We besiege ourselves with these lies.
Yet, God extends his love to us across these barriers to reach out to us, inviting us to meet him in relationship—to meet us face-to-face. Even though relationship is the thing we fear the most in our shame, relationship is actually the antidote. Within a community of believers, we have the opportunity both to extend and receive God’s loving relationship with others. Susanna’s story illustrates how shame can isolate us, and how God breaks through those walls in relationships with trustworthy people.
Susanna’s Walls
I led a group several years ago and was fortunate to meet Susanna (name changed to protect confidentiality). Susanna had it all figured out: She was a successful lawyer who exuded confidence and professionalism. As Susanna shared more of her story, cracks began to form in the walls she had constructed to keep people out. Susanna’s parents taught her that she had to earn their affection, and, despite her accomplishments, she was never quite good enough.
One day, Susanna shared that, years ago, early in her marriage, her husband had a series of career setbacks that caused significant financial troubles for their family. Though she tried to be supportive, Susanna’s attempts to be gracious couldn’t compete with her belief that love has to be earned. His failures became her failures, and she was furious. This anger drove Susanna to have an affair.
Yet this act of anger only made things worse. She confessed to her husband and, though he forgave her, Susanna now felt the burden of her own tremendous failure.
A Love Greater Than Shame
Finally lifting her face to the group after sharing this story, Susanna expected looks of disgust. But what she found was care, empathy, and love. Unable to stand it, Susanna cried out, “But how can you love me?!” The group’s reaction shattered her belief that her worth was dependent on her success. Even though she had shown the worst part of herself, Susanna was still worthy of love. In that moment, the group members were a tangible, visible expression of God’s steadfast love.
The walls of professionalism and competence Susanna built successfully evoked the admiration she desperately sought. But these same walls kept a deeper part of herself away from the chance to be truly loved. Susanna found herself trapped in a besieged city she had created. When she finally allowed safe, trusted people to see the parts she considered unlovable, loathsome, and unforgivable, she was transformed. Meeting the faces of the group broke down these walls.
At that moment, maybe for the first time in a long time, Susanna got a glimpse of the love of God that surpasses understanding (Ephesians 3:18-19). A love capable of transforming us from the inside out, giving us a new perspective on ourselves and the world around us.
Types of Shame
While some people experience shame due to their own decisions and behavior, others experience shame because of the decisions and behavior of others. Sometimes shame comes up in us even if we’ve done the right thing: Many people who report abuse or challenge toxic authority figures end up feeling shamed by others who judge or misinterpret their actions.
The end effect of shame is usually the same: A narrative develops that “I’m broken” or “I’m unworthy of love.” When we say these things to ourselves, even subconsciously, we reinforce these walls, making it harder for us to experience a felt sense of God’s love.
It feels safer to withdraw into ourselves, pull further in, and stay hidden. It’s in these lonely and isolated places that we can numb or distract ourselves. Sometimes this is through accomplishments and workaholism; sometimes it’s through addictions and false love.
Yet the experience of shame should be a signal that we have forgotten our value and worth. Being reminded of our value can have a profoundly transformative effect, as exemplified in the life of a Samaritan woman.
The Woman At The Well Set Free
The woman at the well (John 4:1-30) is a depiction of the release of shame. In this story, the narrator introduces us to a Samaritan woman coming to the well to get water during the hottest part of the day, presumably to avoid unnecessary social interaction. Jesus initiates a conversation with the woman, which catches her off guard since the Jews of the day held Samaritans in very low regard.
Further, as they speak, Jesus verbalizes what is likely the woman’s most significant point of shame: “…you have had five husbands, and the one you now have is not your husband” (John 4:18). The matter-of-fact language of this story belies what I believe is actually a very intense exchange, especially for the woman. One of the greatest fears we can carry is that someone else will call us the names we already call ourselves within our besieged cities: broken, unlovable, useless, weak, untrustworthy.
The woman probably froze, trying to figure out how to get out of this situation with minimal harm. But the hammer never falls. Instead, Jesus reveals himself as the Messiah and invites her to join him as she is and where she is: “But the time is coming—it has, in fact, come—when what you’re called will not matter and where you go to worship will not matter” (John 4:21-23, The Message).
In the next scene, the woman, who had been trying to hide from everyone by visiting the well in the middle of the day a moment ago, walks into town and starts drawing attention to herself to share the news she has just received.
What Changed?
In my counseling work, I often see this kind of transformation when someone has finally released the harsh labels they have given themselves. They exchange “broken” or “unlovable” with “worthwhile” and “loved.” This change makes us suddenly feel invincible!
Despite the heavy lies that keep our faces cast down, trapped in our own besieged cities, we have a loving Savior who is expectantly waiting to meet our gaze. The act of meeting Jesus face-to-face, bringing our whole selves to him, flings open the doors of our hearts and allows his love to speak directly to the parts of us that need it the most.
Shame casts our faces down, but Christ lifts our gaze. When we dare to meet him face to face, we discover that his love is stronger than our walls and deeper than our failures. This is the love of Christ that surpasses understanding.
For further reflection:
Scripture:
- Psalm 25
- Psalm 139
Prayer:
Gracious God and most merciful Father, you have granted us the rich and precious jewel of your holy Word: Assist us with your Spirit, that the same Word may be written in our hearts to our everlasting comfort, to reform us, to renew us according to your own image, to build us up and edify us into the perfect dwelling place of your Christ, sanctifying and increasing in us all heavenly virtues; grant this, O heavenly Father, for Jesus Christ’s sake. Amen.
“For Inner Renewal Through The Word,” Book of Common Prayer, 2019, p. 667
Songs:
Image: Photo by @felirbe on Unsplash.
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