Book Review: Sextinction
Debra Soh, Sextinction: The Decline of Sex and the Future of Intimacy. Threshold Editions, 2026. 336 pp.
Society has never been more sexualized, yet we are having less sex than ever before…Browse any mainstream take on sex and dating, and you will find an unending promotion of doing whatever you please in the name of sexual hedonism and exploration, regardless of whom it offends or what the consequences may be. How did we become so disinterested in sex?
These are some of the opening words from Dr. Debra Soh in her book, Sextinction: The Decline of Sex and the Future of Intimacy. Dr. Soh takes the reader on a journey through the research to better understand the truth of the sexual recession, its complex causes, and some concerning predictions for Western culture’s sexual future.
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A Sexualized Society Not Having Sex?
Dr. Soh begins the book by outlining the statistics that show we are in a clear sex recession and how this recession is having the greatest impact on our youngest generations. In the United States, a shocking 1 in 3 men and 1 in 5 women (across all adults, regardless of marital status) report not having had sex in the past year, according to the General Social Survey. This aligns with other works I have read by researchers such as Ryan Burge (Graphs About Religion Substack), Mark Regnerus (Cheap Sex), Jonathan Haidt (The Anxious Generation), and Jean M. Twenge (iGen). She offers a complex array of reasons for the recession, including smartphones, social media, women’s academic and work success, dating apps, toxic podcasts, and an imbalanced dating marketplace.
This book is not a book that proposes solutions. Rather, the intent seems to be a summary of the data to help facilitate future dialogue. Dr. Soh thoroughly presents the stark realities of sexual intimacy in the West, even with some explicitness that might make you blush. A word of warning that the graphic material in this book reaches a disturbing pinnacle in the presentation about the growing market for child sex dolls late in the book. Dr. Soh gives ample warning about this material’s upsetting and triggering nature, but the reader should prepare themselves.
Although this book often graphically addresses many sensitive sexual topics, Dr. Soh invites the reader into a conversation that I believe is important.
Not a Gender Blame Game
I believe one of Dr. Soh’s strengths in this book is her balanced analysis of both males and females. You don’t get the impression that she blames or sides with either gender for why we are where we are. Her avoidance of this zero-sum mentality is important for guiding us through the minefield of information so we can start moving in healthier directions—a healthier direction that I believe the church is primed to lead, as you will read in my conclusion. Here is a taste of what you can expect.
In her chapter on Artificial Intelligence, she quotes a study on the different types of distress males and females experience following a betrayal.
The study found that men experience more distress when imagining a partner’s sexual infidelity, while women experienced more distress as the result of imagining a partner’s emotional infidelity.
As a marriage therapist, I can confirm that these unique experiences of betrayal for each gender are quite accurate.
The Impacts of Pornography
Dr. Soh addresses the varied impacts of pornography on our sexual behavior, and one troubling aspect is the increase in sexual violence directed toward women, specifically in the form of choking. It would be easy to blame this problem on men and just move on, but Dr. Soh is more nuanced and recognizes that the sexual liberation promoted in some feminist circles comes with dangerous consequences.
Nowadays, sexual kinks are considered sacred and beyond reproach. The most unnerving part is that aggravated assault has been disguised as female sexual liberation. Put otherwise, ‘sexual freedom’ now involves eroticizing domestic violence. First-wave feminists would be rolling in their graves to know that this is what their sacrifices for female emancipation gave way to—the right for women to be beaten and tortured during sex by their male partners.
There is absolutely no place for violence in intimate relationships, and if you think this matter is a bit overstated, I can attest that in my years as a marriage therapist, I have heard too many stories of Christian men choking their wives during sex. She quotes the statistics that 58% of university student women have been choked during sex, and 25% of them were choked during their most recent sexual encounter. That is a devastating statistic.
Gender Equality Battles
Early in the book, Dr. Soh discusses gender equality battles and how the education system is currently tilted in favor of women.
Regarding social structures, research suggests that women, on average, prefer equity, while men prefer hierarchies. This explains why, at a time when our educational institutions are promoting feminism as a dominant ideology, equality of outcome has become an increasingly popular goal. Of course, not all women are sadistic enforcers of DEI or social justice, and I would argue that women (and men) who are motivated by something more sinister than the well-being of others, including power, authority, money, and control. Their hypocrisy is blatant, however; if a different group of people were falling behind in society, they would be sympathetically bending over backward to help them with social programs and support. Instead, the extreme left blames men for their issues and pretends that there isn’t a problem.
Disparaging anyone or any group seems to be a tactic many are guilty of, and it only escalates conflict rather than fostering collaboration.
Dr. Soh often decries this “win at all costs” mentality that has harmed both men and women. The selfishness of hedonism is harming us all. And, as with most crises, I believe the church is uniquely positioned to offer support and direction. First, the church holds males and females in equal regard as created in the image of God (Genesis 1:26–27), a belief that should lead to protecting the dignity and supporting the flourishing of both genders. This foundational belief of all Christians aligns with and supports Dr. Soh’s concluding sentiment: “Falling in love isn’t a zero-sum game. The opposite sex isn’t your enemy.” Holding both genders as unique image-bearers of God is a very good place to start.
Christian Monogamy in a Lonely Digital World
Second, the church’s values and teachings around marriage and sexual monogamy are the ideal and healthiest expression of sexuality. Though Dr. Soh never addresses marriage directly, she does endorse the health of sex with a committed partner:
Sexual activity with a committed partner is preferable because committed sex is (hopefully) paired with social support and stress management, in a way that casual sex or hooking up with a friend or ex-partner is not.
Solomon declared this wisdom in Ecclesiastes 4:9–11.
The Replacement of Technology
Third, the church’s emphasis on an embodied faith that honors what we do with our bodies is elemental to healthy sexual practices. Much could be said here about what the Apostle Paul teaches on our bodies as temples (I Corinthians 6:19–20). And in this book, Dr. Soh decries many sexual practices that harm the body. She specifically laments the harmful effects of solo sexual activities aided by technology, such as pornography and AI relationships. These disembodied experiences are deeply harmful. She says,
If we truly want to mend the divide between men and women, we should try to understand why men are gravitating toward this technology instead of real relationships. Despite knowing it is unhealthy, they don’t have alternatives.
I think there is a lot of insight and teaching the church could add to this conversation.
The Rising Loneliness
Lastly, Dr. Soh highlights the rising levels of disconnection and loneliness in Western culture, often exacerbated by technology. This was most dramatically clear in her presentation of a growing sex robot industry and technology’s inability to meet the imagined outcome.
For someone who is beyond disenfranchised with the sexual dynamics of dating, a robotic replacement may provide a form of consolation and self-preservation through the fantasy of believing one has beaten the system. Deep down, I would argue, most know they didn’t really win what they wanted. Because a robot that can’t love you back isn’t the solution.
The church is, and has always been, a community of real flesh-and-blood human beings—loving, encouraging one another, empathizing with suffering, and offering fellowship to diverse members.
Sex is for Grown-Ups
Men, Take Responsibility
When it comes to men, Soh is sympathetic to their situation (particularly the statistical disadvantages many face on dating apps), but she nonetheless calls on them to take greater responsibility for their attractiveness and maturity. Central to this is reducing or eliminating pornography consumption in order to reset expectations about real sexual relationships. She also emphasizes improving physical health, both for personal well-being and for greater sexual attractiveness, as well as cultivating ambition, discipline, and social skills. Developing these qualities, she suggests, not only advances men professionally but also makes them more appealing partners in the dating market. In short, Soh argues that many men need to focus on becoming the kind of partners women genuinely want to date.
Women, Resist the Culture
At the same time, Dr. Soh argues that many women should moderate unrealistic expectations shaped by dating apps and social media, which often encourage them to focus on a small pool of highly desirable men while overlooking compatible partners. She also encourages women to resist the cultural tendency to view men as adversaries or to interpret every romantic disappointment through the lens of trauma or therapeutic language. Instead, Soh suggests a more constructive posture toward relationships, one that recognizes the differences between men and women and values cooperation rather than conflict. Part of this, she argues, involves women feeling free to embrace their feminine side. In Soh’s view, healthier relationships depend not only on more realistic expectations but also on a renewed appreciation for the complementary dynamics that can exist between men and women.
How to Turn it Around
Dr. Soh’s advice aligns with my personal experience as a marriage therapist. The information age, technology, pornography, dating apps, and now AI have all had a detrimental impact on marriage and sexual intimacy. Dr. Soh says we are at least a decade away from turning many of these challenges around. She suggests it should start with men, and as a man, I concur.
Men, it is backward to think that sex is the essential foundation of a healthy marriage, when sex should be the outcome of friendship connections. Men often try to get the cart before the horse. I have found that when men begin to practice other forms of connection, like friendship and emotional intimacy, then sex becomes a natural, healthy outcome. Women can help by inviting deeper connections through encouragement rather than evaluation. If a woman starts relationship conversations with critique, walls of disconnection are often the result. According to Dr. John and Julie Gottman, couples can frequently get caught in criticism-defensiveness cycles that technology often exacerbates. True intimacy comes from face-to-face, purposeful, friendship-shaped interactions. The technology of this age has only amplified some of our worst behaviors, leading to disconnection.
A Comprehensive Examination
Sextinction: The Decline of Sex and the Future of Intimacy offers a frank, comprehensive examination of the state of sexual intimacy in Western culture. The picture Dr. Soh paints is discouraging and particularly highlights the ongoing cultural battle between the sexes, in which neither gender ultimately wins. I recommend this book to pastors, teachers, and parents to better understand how sexual intimacy plays out in our communities and equip those in church leadership for healthy dialogue about an important topic. God’s Kingdom is a space of peace where both genders can be honored, find purpose, and bring glory to their Creator as image-bearers.
Image: Sextinction: The Decline of Sex and the Future of Intimacy. © 2026 Threshold Editions.
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